It’s been so long..
That even my silence begs for some space..
It’s been so long..
That even my silence begs for some space..
You make every single of my night very beautiful.
I was asleep.. and then I was dreaming about you.. of our first evening.. Of how even with my eyes closed on the busy road.. I knew I was in good hands
And how I was with somebody who made me laugh.. incessantly…
Of how that night streched to lengths unknown when we walked and walked.. with nothing but music to our company..
And then.. how I snuggled into the warmth of.. care once we got back..
I felt safe.. And hopeful
And.. even though at the time, I said I was not sure.. I knew I would never regret being with someone as amazing as you are..
And no wonder I have fallen head over heels for you.. madly in love
And yes.. we say that honeymoon period is over.. but Honey! Who says we have to stay away from the moon 😉
Okay.. sorry that was a bad one.. but it’s been so long since I cracked bad jokes.. damn! I should really get back in the game.. as in the pj game..
But.. damn I move around a lot.. looks like I am getting your ADHD
And now that I have written this big ass message.. I realise that maybe I should have written it down in the mail to you.. it could have been like those mails we write to each other.. oh trust me.. that sudden pop up! It just makes my day
And here I go waltzing again to some off topic
And I am dreamy!
So aye aye.. going back..
Those sheets, in their folds
Hid stories, a thousand times better,
Than you or I could ever have.
The unsaid sibling love
I saw a tear.. struggling to stay at the bank.. it wanted to fall.. Badly! So very badly.. but couldn’t afford to.. He didn’t want to hurt my aching heart more. He couldn’t.. Of course, he didn’t know that. He thought I’d be hurt to see him crying, like a kid, like a baby.. my baby.. He banked that drop but hurt and sadness? They just gushed through his eyes.. How hard he was trying to upturn that curve.. how he cajoled his, and others’ heart by consoling them, “Oh don’t worry, she isn’t gone for long! She’ll be back before you blink”. But who was he kidding.. He knew. I knew too. We both did. I fell just short of an impeccable reputation of returning in promised number of months. And he never reprimanded me for that. His wait peeped through his casual “So when are you getting free next?” Or “Wow, it’s been 6 months since blah blah blah.. “. He never said he missed me. Nope. It was against siblings basic code of sibling conduct. You don’t say how much you love each other. You don’t say how much you miss each other.. You just.. Smirk, and mock.. and.. silently miss..
You just miss..
I just miss..
How I decided to cheat, through a half-crumb cake.
As my cup of chai steamed, I sat there, with my hope in front and baggage on the side.. Window.. vast, clean, honest.. trying to hide a little, and failing miserably.. just stood there staring at me the same way I stared at her.. Her? Who would call a window ‘her’! Maybe none.. maybe some.. maybe I. My wait had stretched from 1st cup to the 4th, and a half eaten piece of cake – as dry as those eyes, staring into forever. I usually loved that cake.. not this dry one though.. but I still loved it.. and after a wait of 4 cups, I was beginning to rethink my decision to.. to wait.. to save that half a piece for her. Because she loved it.. not the cake.. but how I always saved some for her. And always, my wait for her was shortened from 5 cups to 2 when I told her that a cake, and not me, was waiting.
Except for this time..
Reluctantly, and knowing somewhere deep down, I broke a small piece off that dry sweet shit. Thought twice before savoring it and thrice after.. It almost felt like cheating. But who am I to define cheating.. she knows better. She always did. She knew, She decided. She taught me how stealing a kiss with your best friend was not cheating.. but an affection gone wrong; how making love to a complete stranger was not cheating, but a moment; and how lying about her love for me and her apathy for my money was not cheating, but a choice. Yes.. she defined it for me.. she taught me all.. And I believed her. Rather, My love believed her. My love, not ours.
She also taught me how I was cheating when I hugged my friend, crying uncontrollably upon her brother’s death, or when I took a bite from her share of cake.. like just now. Thank god she’s not here yet.. maybe I should order another one for her.. a fresh one. Maybe I’ll ask the guy behind the counter, yes, that one with more lines on his head than his palms, to make it afresh.. soft, and warm, like her winter skin. Maybe i should ask him to not make it yet, but when she is about to reach.. Maybe.. I should.. Maybe.. I won’t.
Because.. maybe she won’t come. Because maybe she can’t..
Just like how she couldn’t because of her leg twist when I met with the accident. Or how she had an ‘exam’ at the club when my mom died. Just like.. I am sure it’d be something important, just like always. Otherwise she’d come. Because how else will she buy that same necklace as Neha, making sure nobody beat her.. either at fashion or love.
That last piece stared at me. Smirked.. then burst out laughing. Yeah.. he knew, I wouldn’t do that.. I couldn’t cheat. I wasn’t allowed to.. you see one of us had to hold the beacon of uprightness and morality.. And who but me? Because that’s what I always did.. the right. I loved, helped, forgave and loved again and forgave again and loved her once more. I always did the right thing. And so.. I stared back at him. What right he had to mock me! What did he know about… I looked away.
My 5th one had now gone from steaming to a barely warm pitiable liquid. Just like me. Maybe the wait will stretch to my 6th.. maybe she’ll get through the traffic by then. Or Maybe she’ll.. not. Maybe she can’t.. maybe.. because she doesn’t know. And even if she does.. who know..
At last, it was too late.. I picked my bags and left, to never return.
At last, I ate the cake.
At last, I cheated.
It binds us all..
Longing for love.. for trust
For hope and faith and everything old school..
Some even long for longing..
And when they do get to long..
They long but for..
Longing no more.
Borrowed? Or owned?
If borrowed, where is the owned?
If owned, why mask?
Borrowed? how different from the owned?
Owned? hid the borrowed where?
Borrowed? from whom.. And why?
Owned? lended to whom.. And why?
Borrowed? how long will you keep it?
Owned? how long can you keep it?
Borrowed? Isn’t your skin enough?
Owned? Is your skin enough?
Borrowed? How deeply?
Owned? How shallow?
Borrowed? How long til’ you start owning?
Owned? How long til’ you start borrowing?
Borrowed | Owned
She waited.. and waited.. and waited..
The altar will tell you that..
And so will the eyes.. but to the one.. who never came by.
And she hopefully so stuck to the innocence.. or ignorance rather..
of the truth she chose to see not..
Or maybe it was the truth that chose to hide in the heat of all that love that remained..
And still remains..