I am one of those who actively tries to hide away from the face of happiness. For God know what reason. Most things that satiate all around me, it’s difficult for me to connect with them. It is often construed as my arrogance, or introversion.. but I wish I could define it, label it rather, as easily as people around me do.
You see, labelling is not a bad thing, it just masks the depth and complexity of the subject in question, because every person has his/her perception of what a label means.
While I struggle to find answers for who I am or what makes me happy, sometimes, serendipity takes a little pity on me and throws me into small moments of extreme joy – someone’s hug, a random stranger’s smile, the feel of a raindrop and so many more.
This is a small collection of such moments of joy which I found when I wasn’t looking.
Maybe that’s the key.. to stop looking..
I have never been a gesture person, be it small or big.. And yet, when he, with his sunset blush, went down on his knee, my heart stopped. Like, PERIOD.
Within that one moment, I lived an entire dream, the one I could never ever even dare. My quiet drained the color from his face, and the fact that I took full 3 minutes to just breathe did not help either. But you know how, to some questions, even the unheard ones, you just know the answer? Like you just know it.
You don’t think, you don’t ask, you don’t deliberate, you don’t discuss..
You just decide
And in that moment, I knew..
he was the one
Smoke.. that’s what it all was..
I don’t know why I thought there’d be some fire to it..
I am the flower of dying love
dry, parched, scorned dying love
I am one with the pink turned brown
the stems frailed, the petals frowned
hanging by but a thread
that chips away with each breath
I am the one you pity in Fall
watching, hoping, pining
for the youth long lost
I am the one you try to get rid of
from beneath your sole as I,
sludged with the remaining water
try hard to stick on your soul
I am the one you flick away
discard as not worthy of your
love or pity or even sympathy
and I am the one that lies
on the roads not traveled by
only waiting to be swept away
I am that flower of dying love
and that’s all I’ll always be..
of your dying love
एक बादल आया.. और बस छू के चला गया..
शायद तुमने ही रुकने से मना किया होगा..
A cloud came.. and just brushed past me..
I’m sure you only would have asked him to not stay..
वो आखिरी पत्ता भी थक के रह गया..
लेकिन एक ये बहार, और एक तुम..
हद्द है !
आते ही नहीं!
* * *
Even the last leaf gave up..
But you and spring!
Why can’t you just come already!
Void to whole
I needed empty
so I filled myself up the brink..
Slowly.. One by one i started
Picking the pieces i didn’t want
putting together ones that
were not mine..
And others too, those that i wished i hadn’t
broken or torn or ripped apart
But i needed empty
and so i did..
Too many of them..
I picked four, dropped three
gathered 5 again, lost 2..
And while at it,
A tap came, on my shoulder
then my heart..
and then the soul
What! said my exasperated self..
turning in a swish, just to see
you standing, smiling, mocking me!
After a couple blanks it hit!
You weren’t laughing at me!
but at the pieces gone wrong..
you took them.. almost snatched!
from my bleeding hands
and put them, well, at a hell lot more wrong!
But.. it didn’t feel wrong
It didn’t hurt, didn’t pinch.. but just
hung there, it felt good..
Then you did it again!
another part, another place..
and another warmth..
its going on..
I still try to hold my old pieces back,
you still anyway fix’em up
Maybe I didn’t need empty..
Maybe I just needed
Through cracks and crevices..
My hope returns..
कुछ तस्वीरों की यादें होती हैं..
और कुछ यादों का साया भी नही..
* * *
Some pictures have just memories..
And some memories, well not even a shadow..
Picture: Priyan Vaithilingam